why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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