Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
