How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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