I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
