I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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