I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
