News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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