i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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