I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
