I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
