I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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