I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
