Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
