God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
