I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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