She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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