Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
