No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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