Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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