I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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