I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
