I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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