Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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