Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
