I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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