you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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