i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
