The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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