My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
