You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
