who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
