god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
