Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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