If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
