god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
