Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
