he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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