hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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