she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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