I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
