Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
