You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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