i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
