I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
