you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
