Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
