There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
