I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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