someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
