if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
love makes seman taste better
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
