omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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