the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
