You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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