I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
