I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
