you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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