I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
