I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
