It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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