sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
