I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
