paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
